Death of An Orphan

By Laura Hou

You stood there, so helpless and scared, small and shivering. The paleness of your cheeks was a great contrast to the colours and life around you. Maybe there was still a sliver of fight left in you, but anyone who had been through what you had been through would be an empty shell, sucked dry like a fish left on the beach, no choice left but to die. Gasping for air knowing there was no one to save you.

There was nothing anyone could do to bring you back from the edge. You were slipping away.

You were already gone.

It happened two month ago. Back then, you still valued life, but back then, you had something to live for.

It was an early summer night. The gentle breeze blew through your backyard. The air was crisp with just a hint of humidity. You were with your parents when it happened, watching TV in the living room. You did not hear the front door breaking before it was too late.

The three masked men that broke into your house got past the security system without making any sound. You screamed. Tears blurred your vision as the brutes grabbed your parents. They had begged, begged those ruthless men to spare your life. Begged for them to let their little girl live. Those had been their last words. The pleas died with them as they were killed.

You screamed yourself raw.

The men laughed as you kicked and bucked against their grips. Their bodies were as hard as their hearts. In your frenzy, you managed to land a few blows on their legs but then a fist connected with the side of your head and you slipped into darkness.

The world spun around you. You were just a small ship being thrown about in the middle of a raging sea.
“The poor girl … didn’t deserve … lost both parents … robbers left her alive…”

The hushed murmuring reached you in your dazed state. You weren’t sure if it was a dream or not. All you knew was that you were falling and falling, into the dark abyss that was for sure hell.

Darkness claimed you again.

You woke up with a throbbing pain on the side of your head. You lay still for a moment, then the realization of what had happened dawned on you. It was so hard to bite down on the sob that wanted to escape your lips.

“She’s awake.” A voice said. You couldn’t see through the tears coating your eyes and you were too heartbroken to care. A hand brushed through your hair. It was soft, soothing. Almost like your mothers when she sang you to sleep. Your heart ached, it was like a fist had closed around it, tightening with every breath and squeezing the life out of you.

You hesitantly opened your eyes, the artificial lights above were sharp like daggers.

“Hey, Chelsea, how are you feeling?” You flinched even though the voice was kind. You blinked away the tears threatening to fill your eyes again.

“What’s going on?” You asked with a voice no more than a mouse. You weren’t in your house anymore, you were in the back of an unmoving ambulance.

“You’re safe, don’t worry. We’ll be going to the hospital. Just going to get your head checked, okay?” The voice belonged to a woman in her mid-thirties. Her soft hazel eyes seemed to contain all the kindness in the world.

“My parents…” Your voice broke.

The lady’s soft features turned into one of sympathy. She whispered, “I’m so sorry.” She reached out a hand to smooth your hair back but let her hand drop half way.

“I’ll let you get some rest.” She left, the ambulance was now all alone.

Thoughts rushed to your head all at once. It was only yesterday that you went to the park with your parents and ate at your favourite grill. You were in grade three and all the teachers loved you. Your life was perfect before it was broken. As if it were a bubble, only to break in the sunlight. A beautiful piece of stained glass crushed under ugly grey stones.

You choked on a quiet sob. You can’t even remember the last words you said to your parents, now you’ll never see them again. You closed your eyes against the harsh lights, and when sleep came to you, you let it washed over you like a wave, blanketing you from the sadness and pain.

You woke up on a soft surface. Looking around, you realized that it was a hospital bed, the sheets crisp and stiff. The silence was eerie, the only sound was your own soft breathing.

The room was bare, without any furniture except for the bed that offered little comfort.

The door opened, you tried not to cower under the sheets, and you let out an anxious breath when you realized that it was the same lady who was with you on the ambulance.

“Knock, knock.” She smiled at you.

You didn’t smile back. Your eyes that was once clear and blue were know clouded with sorrow that should not be in the heart of someone your age.

“What will happen to me now?” You asked in a voice no more than a whisper.

Sadness flashed in the lady’s eyes. “With no other relatives, you’ll have to be put in an orphanage first and adopted later.” She answered.

“By who?” You were almost too scared to ask but forced yourself to do it anyways.

The lady sighed. “I don’t know yet.”

“What … what is your name?” You asked, realizing you don’t know her name yet.

“You can call me Ms. Williams.” She smiled. “We’ll talk later, I’ll leave you to rest now.” There was a moment of hesitation, then she softly placed a kiss upon your brow.

A Week Later

“We’re here.” Ms. Williams said, shaking you awake in the backseat of a car. Somehow, she sounded like she’d was even more nervous then you.

You looked up towards the ivory coloured building. The word ORPHANAGE was printed on a slab of stone in the front. The sides of the ugly thing were lined with windows that reached from top to bottom. The front doors ridiculously large. It reminded you of the candy house from Hansel and Gretel.

Ms. Williams knocked on the front door, there was a moment of silence then the door opened revealing a young woman. She was beautiful with blonde hair and green eyes.

“Chelsea!” She exclaimed, reaching her arms out to you.

Ms. Williams rubbed a hand up your back when you hesitated, then she pushed you into the waiting arms of the new lady.

She smelled so strongly of rose perfume that you wanted to gag. “Call me Amanda.” She winked at you.

You sat in the kitchen while Amanda and Ms. Williams talked in the living room. It was half an hour later when Ms. Williams came out. “All right, Chelsea. I guess this is it.” She hesitated, there was a moment of awkward silence. Then she hugged you. It felt warm, and soft, and comfortable. It felt like love.

The hug ended too soon, and Ms. Williams left.

You felt a hollowness starting from the centre of your heart which turned into a burning feeling in your throat. You swallowed back your tears.

You later found out that Amanda was the headmistress of the orphanage and they are currently housing twenty-five children who did not have a home. You felt terribly lonely. All the other kids were older, you were the youngest and did not fit in at all. The sadness in your eyes set you apart from all of them. As if it were a wall that separated you from the rest of the world.

It was until your second week that you found out about the secret.

Amanda wasn’t as nice as people thought.

You were lounging on an armchair reading a book one day. Amanda called for you in her office. You didn’t feel like moving so you didn’t answer her. She came out, and when she saw you sitting there not responding, she slapped you.

You weren’t sure which hurt more, your cheek or your heart. You didn’t even start crying, too stunned to move. “Stupid bitch.” Amanda muttered and walked away.

The next time this happened was when you refused to shower, claiming the water was always too cold. It was true, the freezing water often sent you into several sneezes. Amanda had heard the commotion in the shower rooms and she stormed in, grabbing your hair and shoving your head under the water streams. She had yanked out several strands of hair. You quickly found out that the other kids weren’t fairing much better as well, they were often beaten and starved. And yet, you did not reach out to them.

You wanted to call Ms. Williams but did not know her number. After many sleepless nights, you finally conjured up enough courage to look in Amanda’s office. She had caught you red handed. You were sent to your room and had to remain there for two days. Without food.

You took all the abuse without complaint, clinging on to the fantasy that one day someone would adopt you or Ms. Williams will come and take you away.

That dream had burst like a bubble.

Amanda dragged you out of bed one evening. Still half asleep, you followed her down into her office, there, she sat you down in one of her armchairs. And when she spoke, her voice was much softer than usual.

“Chelsea.” She sighed. “I need to tell you something. Dana … I mean, Ms. Williams had a car accident. She passed away this afternoon.”

Amanda’s words did not register to you. Somehow, they seemed far away, and it wasn’t you sitting in that armchairs, hearing the news that your caretaker is dead. The real you were far away, at home with mom and dad.

You didn’t shed a single tear. You had already run them dry. You went out to the porch that night, looking up at the night sky.
What is the meaning of life, you asked the stars. To simply be alive, they said. But what was the meaning of being of alive when you nothing to live for? You asked again. They didn’t answer.

The meadow you stood on was so soft, the wind whispered nothings to the grass, the sun sang lullabies to the clouds.  You knew, when the stars and dust grew old, you won’t be among them. You had already made up your mind.

Tonight, you’ll do it tonight.

So, you said goodbye, to the wind, the grass, the sun, and the clouds. You said goodbye to the world.